tom_jensen's avatar
Author:
Tom Jensen
Login For More
Rate this article:
  • 0/5 Stars
  • Related Photos
  • Related Videos
SPEEDtv.com Store
DVD: David Jefferies Story
The David Jefferies Story is a reminder of the much loved and much missed Yorkshireman.
Our Price: $24.95
Visit Button
Buy Button
Man-Made Thunder
The book examines the sport of stock car racing through the eyes and ears of the men behind the wheel and the wrenches.
Our Price: $49.00
Visit Button
Buy Button
Unisex Sandwich Cap
Unisex Velcro back hat with SPEED logo on front. PINKS logo embroidered on left and PAO logo on right. One size fits all.
Our Price: $24.95
Visit Button
Buy Button
Speedway T-shirt
Men's 6 oz. 100% Cotton Jersey Short Sleeve Tee. SPEED logo imprinted on the front center chest.
Our Price: $24.99
Visit Button
Buy Button
Ferrari Red Classic Hat
100% cotton twill. Ferrari shield embroidered on front, piping on the peak and Ferrari logo embroidered on back strap adjuster.
Our Price: $30.00 ($27.00 Member)
Visit Button
Buy Button
Footer Bg
  • Zoom More Photos Button
  • Camera Icon
JENSEN: A Modest Proposal
Written by: Tom Jensen   
10/19/2009
Charlotte, NC
 
SPEEDtv.com's Editor-in-Chief Tom Jensen. (Image: SPEED) ยป More Photos

Desperate times require desperate measures, something Irish essayist Jonathan Swift knew all too well when he wrote “A Modest Proposal” in 1729.

Ireland at the time was overrun by two malevolent forces, oppressive British government rule and pervasive poverty. Both were crushing the souls and indeed the very lives of the Irish people of that era.

Swift’s satirical solution? Let the poor Irish sell their children to the wealthy for food.

“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled,” Swift wrote. “And I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout.”

And while Swift most assuredly could have never imagined a future that included 800-horsepower stock cars with carbon-fiber rear wings and cow-catcher front splitters racing 38 times a season in America, or this thing we call “The Chase,” his outrage led for him to call for radical — albeit tongue-in-cheek — change in “A Modest Proposal.”

Kind of like race fans feel about this year’s Chase for the Sprint Cup.

After all, Jimmie Johnson already has stewed Brian Vickers and Denny Hamlin.

He’s roasted Carl Edwards and Kasey Kahne.

Ryan Newman, Greg Biffle and Juan Pablo Montoya have been baked, Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart boiled.

All that’s left is for Johnson to fricassee Jeff Gordon and make a ragout of Mark Martin. Then we can all go to Las Vegas in December for adult beverages and topless entertainment while we watch Johnson, Chad Knaus and Rick Hendrick collect the big trophy for the record fourth year in a row.

And while I have a tremendous amount of respect for the entire Hendrick organization, enough is enough: This crap has to end in 2010 and I think it’s high time for a NASCAR-ized Modest Proposal.

So Brian France, if you’re listening, I hope you pay attention: You’ve always been an out-of-the-box thinker, and I think I’ve finally figured out how the No. 48 silver bullet can be derailed in 2010. So with profound apologies to Swift and several of my college professors, here goes:

• First off, at least four Chase races will be contested on road courses. Johnson has never won on a road course before, so there will be Chase races on road courses at Infineon, Watkins Glen, Montreal and Mexico City. To further challenge him, at Mexico City, he will only be allowed to race in a cab. And no, he will not be allowed to have a beaded seat massager thingee hanging from the seat back of his cab.

• By the same token, Martinsville, where Johnson has won six times, will be taken off the Chase schedule, replaced by Bristol, where he’s winless. And just to spice things up, the final eight spots in the Bristol field will be filled by angry Earnhardt fans in jacked up
4x4s. Hilarity will ensue.

• When the 2010 Chase starts, the 48 team will be fined 150 points. Why? Absolutely no good reason except ’cause you just know that sumbitch Chad Knaus is up to something! And if they overcome that, fine ‘em another 150.

• Johnson will not be allowed any over-the-wall crewmen who are not card-carrying AARP members. That’s right, from now on, the minimum age of any No. 48 crewman in the Chase is 50 years old. No exceptions. And no potty breaks for any of them during the race.

• Jack Roush will personally hand-select every tire Johnson uses in the Chase. Since they are all supposed to be equal, this shouldn’t be a problem, right Jack?

• While every other engine in the field will continue to use Sunoco racing fuel in the Chase, Johnson’s car will be fueled by recycled soybean oil. Hey, if he’s going to stink up the show again, at least let him be green about it.

• During each Chase race, Johnson’s car will have to carry an extra 300 pounds of right-side weight. To facilitate the added girth, prior to each race, a NASCAR beat reporter will be selected at random to ride shotgun with Johnson during the race.

• And last but not least, instead of using the state-of-the-art Chevrolet R07 engine under his hood, Johnson’s car will be forced to use the 427 “mystery motor” out of Junior Johnson’s 1963 Impala SS. No, wait … scratch that one.

Oh, well.

It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

And after all, somebody has to figure out a way to slow down Johnson. None of the other 11 Chase drivers seems to be able to do it.

Tom Jensen is the Editor in Chief for SPEEDtv.com, the former Executive Editor of NASCAR Scene and a contributing Editor for TruckSeries.com. He is the author of Cheating: The Bad Things Good NASCAR Nextel Cup Racers Do In Pursuit of SPEED, and has appeared on television and radio shows to discuss NASCAR racing. Jensen is the past President of the National Motorsports Press Association. Jensen is the 1997 National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year and has won numerous national and state awards for news reporting, columns and feature writing. The Answer Man is back at SPEEDtv.com. Tom Jensen answers your questions during every race week and looks forward to hearing from you - please e-mail it to

The opinions reflected herein are solely those of the above commentator and are not necessarily those of SPEEDtv.com, FOX, NewsCorp, or Speed Channel
View All Comments