SPEED.com NASCAR Editor Mike Hembree is a veteran, award-winning motorsports journalist. (File Photo)
There are only two days left in 2011, a year that can’t end too quickly for some folks, and that means it’s once again time for the sporadically occasional wisdom of Rules for the Road, or Postulates Proven While Chasing Fast Race Car Drivers.
Following are handy hints for navigating the NASCAR season, the longest of all seasons (except maybe for deer season in Alabama), while retaining most of one’s sanity.
Rule No. 6: Arrive early. “Early” at a racetrack is pre-dawn. Even for night races, arrive early. You can get up early and miss some of the traffic or sleep late and enjoy all of it.
Although many speedways have been dealing with spectator vehicular traffic for decades, some of them never get it right. In fact, some observers could easily be convinced that the folks who are out there directing traffic are actually being paid to complicate it. If that is the case, Kentucky Speedway traffic people were the best-compensated for 2011.
One fun result of the sour economy: With generally smaller numbers of fans attending races, some of the ridiculous parking fees – can you say $50? – in lots near speedways fell considerably this year.
Rule No. 14: Always park with the vehicle facing the exit of the space. In clogged parking lots that develop into jungles of chaos post-race, this move can save hours.
No. 1 thing that continues to amaze about airports: Women who wear stepladder high heels while negotiating those mile-long concourses.
Rule No. 44: If you see a woman breastfeeding in a supermarket, do not tweet about it. Tweeting is acceptable, however, if you happen to see a man breastfeeding in a supermarket.
The Phoenix and Las Vegas airports tie for this year’s Worst Baggage Delivery Service Award, a very competitive category.
Best barbecue on the Sprint Cup tour: Fiorella’s Jack Stack in Kansas City.
Best strawberry shortcake, not only on the tour but also possibly on the planet: Manhattan’s in Griffin, Ga.
Best fast-food fries: McDonald’s again.
Best fast-food service: Chick-fil-A (although you guys don’t have to always be so overbearingly nice).
Amazing statistic of the year: Once again, no fans were run over and killed in NASCAR garage areas.
Rule No. 57: Never put ketchup on eggs. Not even in the Waffle House.
Best central place to meet outside a NASCAR track if you lose your friends a lot or if you’re overserved and wobbly: The very cool Miles the monster statue at Dover.
Krispy Kreme edges Dunkin’ Donuts for this year’s Doughnuts of the Year Award. The “Hot Now” glazed ones are particularly yummy at the Daytona Beach KK. Dunkin’ wins the Location, Location, Location Award, however. You can’t throw a dead cat and not hit a Dunkin’ shop in New England.
Rule No. 65: Never pass a Dairy Queen without stopping.
A burnt piston to all those hotels/motels that continue to accelerate their rates for race weekends. This is not what the founding fathers intended.
Loneliest guys of the year: Those parked along speedway access roads with “Tickets 4 Sale” signs.
Oldest Faded T-shirt of the Year: Spotted at Homestead – a Rusty Wallace Kodiak shirt. Classic.
It’s a sad truism that most hotels provide far too many pillows and not nearly enough towels. Somebody got some wires crossed. And you hotels with the thin towels? After 10,000 washings, they can be discarded.
Rule No 76: If your pickup truck is bigger than a mobile home, don’t try to park it in a standard space at the racetrack.
It’s OK to go to a race at Talladega if you’re not a Dale Jr. fan. Really.
Some leading restaurants along the NASCAR Trail: Top O’ The River in Anniston, Ala.; Manhattan’s in Griffin, Ga.; Sandy Point in Alton Bay, N.H.; Claim Jumper in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif.; Peerless Steak House in Johnson City, Tenn.; Redbone Alley in Florence, S.C.; Chart House, Daytona Ale House, BJ’s Restaurant and Stavro’s Pizza House in Daytona Beach, Fla.; Fiorella’s Jack Stack Barbecue in Kansas City; Dot’s Back Inn and the Hard Shell in Richmond; Red Arrow Diner in Manchester, N.H.; Spris in Coral Gables, Fla.; Cootie Brown’s in Johnson City, Tenn. And the Cheesecake Factory generally will be good for you everywhere.
Best tour milkshakes: Robert Is Here, Homestead, Fla. Try the key lime.
Happy trails.
Mike Hembree is NASCAR Editor for SPEED.com and has been covering motorsports for 29 years. He is a six-time winner of the National Motorsports Press Association Writer of the Year Award. The opinions reflected herein are solely those of the above commentator
and are not necessarily those of SPEED.com, FOX, NewsCorp, or SPEED
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